Thursday, April 11, 2013

Pour some sugar on me. Then toss in some salt.

If I didn’t think he’d lecture me about sodium content, I’d love to take Michael Moss out for a congratulatory beer.

Moss is an investigative reporter for the New York Times, and author of the book “Salt Sugar Fat,” a manifesto about the evils of the processed food industry. Those three ingredients are among my favorite things in existence, next to heavy metal and puppies, but that’s precisely what the big food conglomerates are banking on: They pump up their products full of heart-clogging grime because that’s what hooks us. We’re like smokers addicted to nicotine, only tobacco kills us marginally faster than wafer cookies, and doesn’t taste as good. Until Phillip-Morris unleashes their new line of wafer cookie products, at which point I may start eating cigarettes.

There are skeptics, sure. They roll their eyes at what they interpret as a conspiracy theory. Then they eat a cheese-covered doughnut and wash it down with Yoohoo.

But Moss – who counts current and former food industry executives among his sources – bases his findings on first-person accounts and oodles of scientific research. What the research reveals is pretty clear: Junk food is addictive. And we already kinda know that, don’t we? We constantly use the language of addicts when we talk about food. “Oh my goodness, I can’t stop eating these!” “I was going to stop at three, but I have no self control!” “You can’t eat just one, can you?” Cake and chips are a metal pipe and a dank alley away from being crack.

If all that sounds a bit hyperbolic, it’s because most people aren’t privy to some of the shadier practices at the companies that make chocolate-covered pretzel sticks, syrup-filled marshmallow hot-dogs, or whatever else is stopping our hearts these days. It’s tempting to merely shrug one’s shoulders and assert that bad eating habits are a matter only of choice, that obesity is an epidemic simply because people lack good sense and self-control. That a good many folks lack self control is obvious – stop into any roadside diner south of the Mason-Dixon line, and the burgers there swell to the size of a healthy baby – but that’s not the whole story.

See, employed at these big food corporations are men and women in lab coats. When you’re wearing a lab coat, chances are you’re one of three things: A doctor, a scientist, or someone at a Halloween party dressed as a doctor or scientist. Working at companies like Kelloggs and General Mills are several of these lab-coat-bedecked individuals, and they’re not checking Count Chocula’s blood pressure.

They’re using the science of chemistry to determine what they call the “bliss point” of your favorite sugary treats. That’s the point where a food becomes so irresistibly tasty that you just have to have more of it. Which means you purchase more of it. Which means food executives get to buy silk pajamas for their Shi Tzus.

Years ago, I was young boy living just up the hill from a fast food restaurant. On clear days, when I was outside riding a bike or playing catch, a wind would occasionally blow in from the west and carry with it the glorious smells of French fries and beef patties. Now, when you’re a kid, you don’t have a lot of money. Lawn-mowing cash and allowance savings comprise the bulk of your portfolio. So when a friend was visiting, and we had a hankering for something quick and cheap, where do you think we went? At a five-minute walk, the burger joint seemed like the obvious choice.

They taught us nutrition in school, but a child of 8 or 9 doesn’t really internalize the importance of such a message – especially with the smells of greasy goodness filling his nostrils. A kid, a parent, anyone can fall into a cycle of bad choices given the right circumstances. Which was why, from 9 to about 13, I was hopelessly obese.

Yep. With two chafing thunderthighs and a pair of sweatpants that could shelter a Brazilian soccer team.

Growing awareness of a proper diet – and a growth spurt that shot me up about a foot in four years – helped. But for months, I delayed my impending lifestyle change with a mantra familiar to anyone who’s tried to quit smoking: “Tomorrow. I’ll enjoy myself for one last day, and then I’ll quit tomorrow.”

Only, at some point, tomorrow has to become today.

And how many people have faced that dilemma needlessly? Personal responsibility is important, but at some point we need to start asking businesses to be responsible as well. Which probably means a health warning similar to ones found on packs of cigarettes. And a ceasefire on all these new food “innovations,” like cheese-stuffed pizza crust, and icing-filled doughnuts topped with M&Ms and bacon. Actually, I just made that one up myself. You’re welcome, Tim Horton’s.

Look, if it’s someone’s birthday, I’ll eat cake. I’ll even toss back a couple of cookies on occasion. Every once in a while, that’s okay. But the big food players don’t inflate their margins on every once in a while. They’ve got this down, literally, to a science.

So hoist your beer, Mr. Moss. For pulling back the curtain, you’ve earned it – just keep in mind those empty calories.

Come to think if it, I’ll order you a light.

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