The major rager

“Road rage,” aside from being a potentially cool name for a rip-roarin’ Tarantino flick, is one of those phenomena that gets treated rather lightly; it’s become as commonplace as crushed beer cans at Ted Nugent’s house, and yet whenever people reference it in casual conversation, you can almost hear in their voices an offhand dismissal, as if it’s an amusing little condition that has no real import. Meanwhile, as you read this, there’s someone on the shoulder of the interstate, lamenting the wreckage of their vehicle, and wondering why the driver of the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile felt the need to muscle them into the guardrail with the tip of their hot dog.

Well, so much for treating it seriously.

In reality, though, most road range incidents don’t result in damage or injury that extreme; in some cases, relatively mild and commonplace behavior can qualify as “rage,” which may explain why Bruce Banner spends so much of his time as the Incredible Hulk. I base this assertion on a road rage entry found on Wikipedia – which, as everyone knows, lets users “edit” its content to ensure “accuracy,” rendering it a beacon of truth and light.

The article lists, in bullet-point form, some of the behaviors that various states consider road rage, and several of them clearly fit the description, including my favorite one: “Driving at high speeds in the median of a highway to terrify drivers in both lanes.” An alarming act to be sure, but thinking of it in abstract terms, it’s a gift from the gods of absurd hilarity; I picture the driver as a drooling, cross-eyed nincompoop blasting death metal and wildly tittering like an insane clown. That’s not road rage, that’s a Will Ferrell movie.

Other behaviors, while obnoxious and generally annoying to other motorists, seem to stretch the concept of “rage” to its extremes. Apparently, “rude gestures (such as ‘the finger’)” qualify as road rage, which means about 95 percent of all drivers should have been incarcerated at some point in their lives, myself included. I don’t think most of us leave the house intending to flash that defiant digit all willy-nilly, but those of us with a low tolerance for automotive idiocy may do so reflexively; properly provoked, it becomes an automatic response, like squinting in a harsh glare, or slipping into a coma during the Oscars.

“Shouting verbal abuses or threats,” on the other hand, is one of those phenomena that starts to approach legitimate rage – although it’s a borderline act, one of those things that needs to be defined in a certain context. I can’t think of anyone, for example, who hasn’t muttered a rebuke at least once in response to the dangerous or otherwise terrible driving of others. Whenever somebody cuts me off, or fails to use a blinker, or jumps out into traffic at the worst possible time (almost daily occurrences all), I’ll find myself having entire conversations with a fictionalized version of the other driver, who I usually picture as being a cross between Mr. Magoo and Bill Murray’s clueless schlub from “What About Bob?” Though most of these fake conversations aren’t exactly family-friendly, they basically boil down to, “Nice one, pal. Didn’t teach you lane-changing etiquette in driver’s ed, huh? Ninny.”

Substitute any multitude of words for “ninny,” and you’ve got the basic idea.

These mild-to-moderate acts of dissatisfaction are unfortunate, taking what Lincoln called “the better angels of our nature” and submerging their heads in toilet water. It’s hard to feel proud of yourself after verbally blasting another driver from behind the relative safety of your steering wheel. But rage? Actual, honest-to-goodness road rage? I always thought that label should be applied to more extreme acts, ones that actually endanger the lives or safety of other motorists. Like running someone off the road, or, I dunno, shooting them.

Still, while defining such behavior remains an inexact science, the motto “better safe than sorry” compels us to not let these little road incidents inspire Hulk-like anger. Nothing good can come from angry driving. My advice: If someone cuts you off on the highway and you feel yourself overcome with the urge to spew epithets and run them into a guardrail, pull over and take a breather. Chances are the guy in the Wienermobile will do it for you.