Midwinter blahs

Well, here we are. The cold, gray days of January. They wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t come on the heels of a festive and celebratory season, filled with lights and colors and cookies shaped like the chalk outlines of murder victims. The sudden absence of the holiday vibe – and its accompanying seasonal spirit – leaves a vacuum, and what are we left with? This blandest of months, a monochrome wasteland filled with the sounds of shovels scraping against ice-pocked concrete. I say, from now on, we celebrate the holidays in June. That way, when they’re over, we’ve still got a full two months of heat and sunshine to look forward to, and come December we can all curl up in the hollow of a tree and hibernate until peoples’ lawns reappear.

The problem is that we live in northern New England, and northern New England winters are made primarily for skiers, snowmobilers, and that weird snow creature from “The Empire Strikes Back.” Sledding is an option, but the good folks who manufacture plastic sleds usually make them in sizes better suited for 12-year-olds than gangly, awkward muppets like myself. I’m 6’4”, maybe a hair under. Me in a sled is like Shaquille O’Neal in... well... a sled. It doesn’t work, is what I’m saying.

How many among us are in the same boat? If you’re not super tall, then perhaps you’re enjoying your golden years, and have long since retired your fantasies of barreling down the Rotary Park hill in an inflatable tube. Or maybe you’re recovering from an injury, and even an activity as innocuous as ice skating could trigger a bodily reaction that turns you into a pile of sore bones in an aching flesh bag. I’ll give you a minute to get over that disturbing imagery.

To the non-X-Games competitors among us, that severely limits our recreation options. We’re consigned to the Great Indoors, and after our fifth straight game of Canasta, it can get a little tricky finding ways to pass those frigid evening hours.

Fortunately, I offer this blog primarily as a public service. (Just roll with it.) To that end, here’s a compilation of activities that might make your winter a bit less depressing, presented in a handy bullet-point format – because I care about you, the reader. And me, the writer, who has to finish this so he can watch "Breaking Bad.".

And away we go!

• Card/board games. Okay, so this one’s a bit on the nose, but I’m still gettin’ warmed up, okay? This may not be an option that appeals to the younger demographic, necessarily; you don’t see a whole lot of teens and tweens moving pegs around a cribbage board. It’s not edgy, nor does it involve technology that would have made colonial settlers burn us at the stake. But hey, try playing a raucous round of Crazy Eights and tell me it’s not a party. (Important tip: Drink first. Forgot that part.)

• Troll people on the Internet. Back to technology, but this one’s fun – although admittedly a little mean. For those of you unaccustomed to the ways of Internet message boards, trolling is basically a high-tech version of messing with peoples’ heads. This is how it works: You sign up to a message board under a safely anonymous screen name, and look for the one dude who takes everything way too seriously – maybe he’s still sore about the results of the last election, or he’s defending a disgraced athlete, like Tiger Woods. You drop a provocative comment – “Tiger’s a man-slut!” – and sit back and watch as he becomes breathlessly engulfed in rage. If this makes you feel like a terrible person, here’s an important tip: Drink first.

• Turn household items into musical instruments. Tried this one in first grade, and it’s a hoot. You can make a guitar out of a cereal box and rubber bands, a kazoo with a comb and wax paper, and a drum kit with Tupperware and some pots and pans. If you can figure out a way to make some bass tones, chances are you and your family already have more musical chops than the backup band for Justin Bieber.

• Cool Whip container floor hockey. Self-explanatory. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alas, though the list of indoor activities grows with each cabin-fever-inducing moment, we’ve reached the time for goodbyes. Stay tuned to this space for more intermittent suggestions on how to not snap mid-February and start yodeling in your skivvies in the middle of Main Street. I hope you’ve enjoyed our guide to winter sanity, and if you haven’t, here’s a tip for next time: Drink.
It’s always helped me.